"Memoirs of a Gay-sha"

Mula sa isang baguhang manunulat na tiyak na inyong pakaaabangan...

Ipinagmamalaki kong ipakilala sa inyo si...

Crinard Ace

at ang kanyang unang nobelang

Memoirs of Gay-sha...

If nothing changes whether one laughs or cries, then in this lifetime I shall refuse to cry.

Lying on the roof. Not caring.

Under the vast emptiness of space...

The uncountable stars...

Thinking.

Remembering.

Reminiscing.

Regretting.

Laughing.

Is life really worth living?

There is no purpose, there is no grand design. 

Everything is by accident. 

We are a product of a series of fortunate and/or unfortunate events. 

We are shaped by circumstance. 

We are here by chance.

Everything is meaningless in the face of this impermanent world. Nothing lasts, everything will come to pass. To invest time, emotion and yourself into something will give it value. Giving importance to anything that this passing world has will inevitably lead to regret. In this life, do not give value to anything so when you lose it. You lose nothing.

A coward or maybe realistic, that how I live my life. I don't like risks. There is no meaning in gaining temporary happiness. When you lose it, it will only be replaced by emptiness. To lose nothing, possess nothing. 

We were programmed to want more, I wasn't ambitious. I'm just a glitch in that system, another accident. 

Here I am sitting down and thinking. Thinking too deeply, enough to rival the vastness of space. My whirlwind of a life, swept me. I'm dazed inside this blizzard of emotions. Cold. I have no idea where to start. Where I am, where I want to go. Who I want to be and who I will become. Lost. I don't know whether to pick up the pieces and start again. Or leave them be and start another chapter of my life. 

Thinking "Why am I looking at these pictures again." I can't help it, but be drawn to the memories of my past. To the most intimate moments that I've shared with this one stupid idiot that I tried to give my all. To this one stupid idiot that I loved to no end. Still sighing and breathing, reminiscing at all those memories we've made. 

Enough of that, I'm gonna do what I have to do. After all, we shouldn't take life too seriously. We're never going to get out of it alive anyway. I have to move on, to the next life that is. If ever there is heaven, hell or just the black emptiness of eternity that will welcome my demise. I'd prefer the black emptiness. Its exactly what I am right now. A black hole. A former remnant of a star that used to shine, now devoid of life and vitality. Completely spent and empty. 

But before that happens I have to leave something behind, before my transformation. I have to leave a mark. Like a supernova blasting its energy through space. I have to let the galaxy know that for brief while, I existed. That my existence served a purpose and that purpose was to love. To know what it is, to experience it in all its glory and downfall. To be loved. To be  hurt more than you were ever loved. To bear pain more than a heart can contain. Yet be thankful for the experience.